Drowning

I'm so overwhelmed lately I don't know where to even start this post. I'm drowning in a sea of self-doubt, inadequacy, and fear. I'm depressed about my divorce, my inability to find a job, and being a good friend and mom.  I guess the best place to start is the beginning, my divorce.

I'm terrified.  He left yesterday on deployment and I guess that's what's triggered all of this because it's like the final nail in my married life coffin. When he returns, I'll be filing for divorce and officially ending all of this- you'd think that would make me happy, but it doesn't- not really.  I will forever question myself over whether or not I fought hard enough to save it.  Did I really make an effort at all? He wanted out, had another life, another family and he was happy- why should I stand in the way of that? He's been largely absent from the boys' lives since he moved out over a year ago, and I resent him for that- absolutely hate him.  How can you not make an effort to be in the life of your kids? They need him, but I've been blessed to have another man step up and raise them like they're his own.  The boys claim he's going to be moving closer to us once he's off this deployment and I guess that's what scares me the most- he'll prove to be the more capable parent and I'll lose them.

I'm incredibly lonely, it's not fair he gets to move on like nothing happened and I'm left with the scars. I've been depending too greatly on my friends and it's starting to wear on them.  My temper is incredibly short with everyone, it doesn't take much for me to go off and most recently I did so on my best friend over something she innocently vented about.  I'm jealous of her life I guess, and when she complains I just want to shout "don't you realize how lucky you are to have all of that?"  She knows, she's knows greatly just how blessed she is, but I take it as an affront.  I apologize because I know she's incredibly grateful, generous, and gracious with all she's been blessed with, I hate myself after I scold her.  She's the best thing in my life and I'm going to lose her if I can't straighten out. She might be the most perfect example of humble Christian that I know.  She certainly lives the life better than many, many, others at our church.  So for the life of me I can't understand why I get so bent out of shape about her venting- we all need to vent. I just need to listen to her and offer a sympathetic ear/shoulder.

I was blessed enough to pick up a half time teaching job last year at IMS, and I loved it, but it wasn't a continuing contract. So come July 1st I was officially unemployed and seemingly unemployable. I had several interviews and I was passed over every time.  My fear is that I'm an inadequate teacher- no this past year wasn't my best but how am I going to get better if I don't have another chance.  I'll be back at IMS this year as a perm sub, but I don't know if my heart is really in it? Should I still be teaching? What if I got this wrong too? I have these annoying, nagging, little voices in my head that constantly remind me of every stupid thing I've said or done- ever, like going back decades.  I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop and my life to just fall deeper into a hole.  I can't seem to come up for a breath and catch a break.  I know I should be grateful for the things I have that are going my way but I feel like I'm continually being punished.  I'm so blessed to even have a job, I cannot let my fear of failure stand in the way.

I've lost my faith, too.  Not my understanding of it, not my love of God, but my belief that I'm worthy enough to be accepted by someone unconditionally.  I can't pray lately, I can't have those open conversations with God that I used to depend on so deeply. I can't bring myself to go to church and really listen.  It's draining me to hold on to all of this so deeply and not be able to turn it over to God.  It could be why my temper is so short and I have no desire to do anything. I'm worrying my friends and I'm failing my kids.  I can't bear to lose any of them, but I'm coming awfully close to losing all of them.

I'm not used to having people help me, to want to help me- asking for/needing help is a sign of weakness in my mind. So I don't know how to respond and when I do I screw something up by saying the wrong thing.  I don't believe that I'm a good enough person to deserve their love or support.  I have hundreds of people who love me and care for me but I only succeed in pushing them away.  Why? Because I'm drowning in all of this fear and self loathing.  I'm afraid that I'm going to pull those closest to me into the abyss as well.  Darkness breeds only darkness- but I don't know how to escape it.  So, in my mind, my only hope is to push away everyone that tries to help so they can't get hurt too.  Makes perfectly illogical sense right?

I'm about to lose her.  I love her more than anything and I'm driving her away.  If I lose her, I lose myself.